Reader beware: I get a little nosy and testy in this post.
Going to the nail salon has become an infrequent experience for me as I have changed my priorities in recent years for how I spend my time and money. I now go to these places only as preparation for special occasions, and one such thing was my daughter’s High School graduation. The nail salon we visited looking for a fun mother-daughter experience appeared designed for tranquility and relaxation. However, our appointment was punctuated by some of the clients sharing the space that day. Next to me were two women engaged in loud conversation covering personal topics; this was hard to ignore as their voice carried through the chamber of fingertip beauty as if they were broadcasting how to live life. Between watching the pink hue I had carefully chosen for my nails being applied with utmost detail in tiny brush strokes, to the chemical smell that permeated the air, there were plenty of distractions. But that one voice, which sounded to me like a knowing and self-assured advertisement of a life could not be ignored. At least I couldn’t tune it out.
The woman shared some complaints about daily events in her life and I swear I tried not to eavesdrop into the drama, fully knowing that it didn’t have anything to do with me. But the sound saturated the rarified air. “Do I really need to hear this?” I asked myself judgmentally – and I suspect you are judging me too for my passive intrusion. But then the speaker moved on to another subject that did grab my full attention. She had been talking for a long time already, and for some reason her speech got louder and more emotive as time passed. She started telling a story about a male character – perhaps her son – and his former girlfriend. Oh my, romantic drama – now I could not ignore the voice if I tried, so I shamelessly tuned in. “How much longer is my gel going to take?” “How many coats do I really need before the story ends?” I wondered as my ears did their dirty work. The couple in the story had been dating for years and after obtaining one of her degrees, the girlfriend was considering furthering her education. The woman proceeded to analyze her prospective daughter-in-law’s career choices and explained that she did not need to pursue a new certification. “Wait, what? How does she know?” I asked myself. She then said that her son was planning for them to get married and buy a house. When the aspiring groom shared this idea with his girlfriend, she responded that this was not her plan. The woman telling the story went on to exclaim: “What did she think was going to happen???” Followed by something like “needless to say, they are no longer a thing.”
This episode left me reflecting for days. Here I was, about to launch my daughter into the world to go pursue a college degree. I know she’s going through the planned stages of life while growing up, following the recipe we are given: grow up, go to college, be a good student, find a job, embark on a career, and then you’ll have a great life. Many people asked her if she was going to rush for Greek life and encouraged her to do so. She did consider it, and in that process one of my well-intentioned colleagues shared his advice when I asked about it. He said that the lifestyle is great, and that they get to participate in a lot of activities and build friendships. He also added something like: “many girls join sororities for the social aspect, they meet fraternity boys and usually find a husband. If she already has a boyfriend, then she doesn’t need to do that.” I’m still puzzled about that belief, and don’t think everyone holds it nowadays. I still think it’s interesting to hear that these perspectives still linger for some.
These vignettes and others I’ve come across make me wonder at times what century I’m living in. Is this a reflection of residing in a very conservative state in the US, or is this a broader national reality? Who decided that a woman should immediately say “yes” if a man offers her the marriage and the house? Dear lady in the nail salon, maybe she thought that what “was going to happen” was up to her. Maybe she was planning to get a doctorate, or travel the world and couch surf for a while. Maybe she never wanted to get married or own a house. Who knows? What I do know is that it was her decision, and that she didn’t sound like a commodity to be bartered for with real estate. This story reminds me of one of my favorite Taylor Swift’s songs “Champagne Problems” where she beautifully and insightfully describes a similar situation – perhaps all too familiar for some women. Just chewing on this lyric from the song leads me to reflect on the expectations pinned onto some women:
“She would’ve made such a lovely bride
what a shame…”
…and then eloquently tells us – like in the salon story – how the girl who turned down the proposal was viewed as having something wrong with her. I also was pretty much anticipated a fiancée by a budding boyfriend many years ago, and thankfully I heard through the grapevine that he had told his family without me even knowing. This made me feel taken for granted at best, and viewed as property at worst. The breakup was inevitable, as the signals of a restrained future flashed before me then, joining other red flags.
A few days after the salon episode and as I was walking down the hall at work, I overheard a conversation between two colleagues, one of them a proud parent whose child had recently graduated college. The parent shared the instructions they gave upon graduation: “now go get a job!” You may be wondering if I eavesdrop into strangers’ conversations all the time. I try not to, but I don’t carry earplugs with me at all times. Besides, as someone in the social sciences, I’m deeply interested in people and their stories. I observe and learn about others by their behaviors and their impact. Sure, the snapshots I witness are not the whole story of people’s lives, yet the vignettes still say a lot. But I digress…
Of course I don’t think that getting a job is a bad idea, and listening to the advice of parents and mentors can prove valuable. Further, if you’ve spent precious time and money getting an education, you’re probably planning to do something with it. My question is: does it have to be the same cookie-cutter approach for everyone? Could the encouragement be instead, “now use your talent to do good in the world” or “go help society, create, or build something.” Or even better, we could ask what they’re wanting to do in the future. While this could involve a job, I think we can broaden the scope of our goals as humans and not continue cooking the same recipes our grandparents wrote. Clearly, this recipe has made a lot of people very successful and generated much wealth. In other cases, not so much. If you read the news you’ll likely see a lot of debate about the challenges that come with being a service worker or a corporate employee, issues with employee engagement, and even burnout. There is much more to a successful or fulfilled life, and I think that broadening the scope of possibilities about what we can do in the world can make a huge difference for many.
I hesitated for weeks to publish this post, worried that it could be read as full of negativity; I even put a “disclaimer” at the start about the tone of this writing. However, as I live my intention of shining a light on different topics, I want to project some kindness onto the characters whose stories I “borrowed” to write this post. If I had an “in” to their conversations, I would make an effort to use my curiosity and inquire openly about their points of view. Otherwise, I’d be doing the same thing that I’m critiquing them for: making assumptions and passing judgment. What I would ask them after apologizing for overhearing their conversations and writing about them is: “How did you arrive at this conclusion? What’s the wisdom you’d like to share with those you have expectations for? Where does it come from?” Or maybe: “What other possibilities do you think would be great for them? What do you think they truly want?” Let’s encourage others to define their own path and not just follow the same one that brought us here – after all, we’re not all the same and the world keeps changing. Let’s not be in too much of a hurry to finish the chapter pre-written for us in our life’s storybook so that we can have lots to show. Take the time to change the narrative of your life if the “shoulds” don’t fit you. It’s not just about accomplishment and productivity, but also about impact and meaning. We owe it to ourselves to grab the pen and write our own recipes for a life well lived while letting others do the same for theirs.
Cheers to you on whichever path you decide for your life. May it be up to you!
