We are surrounded by floods of information. The news. Experts with a winning formula, like 5 steps to happiness, or 3 secrets of outstanding salespeople. Books with sage advice. TV commercials. Social media. Conventional wisdom. Podcasts. Lifestyle shows. Entrepreneurs with fascinating businesses. The list goes on. Our attention is divided among millions of data points that paint specific patterns such as success vs. failure, interesting vs. boring, or even more poignant, intelligence vs. dullness. It seems that to qualify as a human being in the eyes of others these days you have to be in the know, especially if you want to fit into mainstream society or are a mortal with a job.
In our efforts to adjust to daily life, we look for ways to function effectively at school, get along with our families, create friendships, build romantic relationships, cultivate a career, etc. But we often feel that there is a right way and a wrong way to do each of these things, so we search for the best-kept secrets. Aren’t you captivated by the marketing headlines that give you secrets to success, ways to fly first class for less, financial gold mines, and relationship lifesavers? And how come not all of us are winning?
I use the term “seekers” to describe people who, in an effort to find the formula for success, hang onto every bit of advice the experts put out there. There are countless pieces of advice on any given topic, and a person who is seeking has tried many of them. A seeker is often confused and defeated because what worked for others did not work for them, and what they don’t realize is that they are overlooking a critical piece of the puzzle: themselves.
There are plenty of songs that touch on this subject, and “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World makes references to this from the perspective of trying hard to fit in and learning to be ourselves. And “Defying Gravity” from Wicked renders an even more inspiring anthem for trusting ourselves. Instead of copying other people’s success, we need to create our own. This doesn’t mean that we engage in “navel gazing” and only act on what is true to us – that can be a recipe for disaster. Instead, we must get to know the values, motives, dreams, strengths, and weaknesses that we carry within ourselves. These are the pillars that will sustain us along the way. With that understanding of ourselves, we can then decide which pieces of knowledge and advice will be helpful to us.
A good example of this is the job search. In many cases, a person seeking employment will look at job ads and try to mold themselves to fit that description. In many cases, the person will apply for jobs that are very different from each other, and in doing so they dilute themselves from the essence of who they are and what they bring to the table. The need to conform so that we can be “picked” by the employer of our dreams is so strong that we get swept away into a job that we may end up hating once we realize we were, after all, not so lucky to be selected for. We owe it to ourselves to explore the opportunity, whatever that is, and evaluate if it fits with who we are, if it aligns with our values, and if it will help us advance to the longer term dream that we want to pursue.
Beyond job searching, this alignment needs to extend to other life choices like marriage, friendships, business endeavors, financial decisions, child rearing, and even what we eat and shop for.
Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s really important to be well informed and understand that there are many options and paths out there; that’s the beauty of it. But we must “seek” within ourselves first, not the other way around. Otherwise comparison, fear of failure, frustration, and even desperation can take hold. Have you ever interacted with a person who seems desperate? They will often try anything that so-called experts and gurus suggest in pursuit of what they are looking for; and in that effort they abandon themselves and who they are. They usually end up blindsided by some borrowed wisdom that is not right for them. That’s why it’s so important to understand who we are and what we stand for, and that can be a lifelong process. Along that journey of self-discovery we benefit from looking internally and also externally, paying attention to our circumstances and deciding how we want to respond, what we want to create, and what we choose to consume.
I can recognize people in seeker mode because I can sometimes operate that way if I’m not being careful. As someone who’s always been curious and fascinated by ideas, my younger and less experienced self gravitated towards external models of success quite frequently. While they were helpful, I tended to forget the main ingredient: me. I could get distracted by lots of tips and advice, and wanted to try them all as if one of them was going to flip the switch and the hidden secret of happiness would be revealed before my eyes. As a result, I would often find myself disappointed and unhappy, as if wearing ill-fitting clothes (which I have done a few times as well). I have finally learned that, while there are a million possibilities out there, I must understand how they would fit with who I am and vice versa. Is that lifestyle for me? Why and why not? Would I be happy taking that job or living in that state? Do I really want to support that business? What will this look like for me a year or two down the road?
I now try to visit “seeker land” much less frequently than before, and I can recognize when I’m pulling myself in that direction. It took years of trial and error, growing confidence, and becoming more comfortable in my own skin to shake the seeker lifestyle. However, whenever I reach a low point in my life I need to remind myself to stay true to my inner compass and to connect the dots between the external forces and my true self to make decisions that work for me. And in the meantime, I keep learning new things – hey, who knows…they could come in handy.
