When I was a university student, I enrolled in a class that required taking turns presenting in front of our peers. I have been known as someone who prepares ad nauseam for that type of commitment, and this was not the exception. I worked on my task with what I thought were high standards, and excitedly shared my new learnings when my turn came in the class. To my surprise, the professor’s feedback pointed out that my vocabulary was too “sophisticated” and that I needed to be careful not to speak at such a high level among my peers. This left me scratching my head at that time. I thought: Weren’t we there to learn and grow? I did discover much later in life that it’s important to meet others where they are and that we must think of our audience’s needs when we share information with them. Still, the overall feeling from my interaction with the professor felt constraining and unhelpful.
A few months later, a classmate I’d become friends with told me during conversation that I used too many “big words” and that was going to make it difficult for me to “find a man.” I found myself puzzled again, considering that this comment came from a fairly bold and seemingly fearless female. I wonder if the men she knew then did not like smart women. Around that same time period, I started spending time with a guy who shared his observation that I was very self-sufficient, and that such trait of mine would make it difficult for me to be in a romantic relationship. I guess he wanted to feel needed.
All these relationships eventually faded away and left me with a very important life lesson: don’t let anybody tell you who you are or how you should be. Don’t allow anyone to define how far you can go or place a ceiling over your head to keep you from growing. On the one hand, it’s important for me to listen to others’ feedback, see the pattern across these episodes, and understand how I can come across. On the other hand, the reality is that making myself small so that I’d be accepted would not have been the right answer for me then, and it still wouldn’t be now. I also believe that intention makes a difference. If I’m expressing myself in a way that’s natural to me and not insulting or offending anybody, I don’t see how that’s detrimental towards others. If the intent were to make myself big, show off, or diminish others, then the feedback would be not only fitting, but also very helpful.
On the opposite side of these past encounters with prejudice and what I see as sexism, I had the biggest champion I could have in my life: my father. He was always my cheerleader, challenger, and mentor. He was born in the 1930s and raised in a very traditional household, but was a fearless advocate for women’s advancement, education, and independence. He never drew a line between my three brothers and me in terms of expectations or opportunities. Armed with the belief – instilled mostly by Dad – that I could achieve what I set my mind to, I was undeterred by any of the troubling interactions I described and others that aren’t included in this story but are still steps along my journey. Thanks in part to my dad, I was prepared and willing to break through the undue expectations placed on me as a woman, even though I did not consciously know it.
Being clear on what my values are and what I’m willing to put out into the world is an essential part of my identity. It’s taken me years to pinpoint what I’m willing to tolerate and what I’m not, and I’m still learning. When others want to lower my ceiling, I will not let them do so on the pretense that I don’t check a certain box or fit a category they expect me to be in. Some of my recent bosses have told me that my standards are sometimes too high, and that I need to be aware of how much that costs me as I put too much pressure on myself. I definitely accept that and know that this feedback is important for me, as striving for perfection leads to paralysis at best, and burnout at worst. I’ve been there before and have learned that a partial solution is better than no solution at all, and that I must move forward for the sake of progress.
I believe that unrealistic or mismatched standards are the enemy of authenticity, creative thinking, and growth. When standards are too low they constrain us; when they’re too high they usually bring anxiety. Instead of buying into imposed, arbitrary expectations, I often reflect on the alignment between situational standards and my values. Doing so puts me in the driver’s seat and enables me to decide what role I will play in the face of opportunities and challenges. This steers me away from taking the role of “victim” of my circumstances and gives me agency as I choose what I will do. This also aligns with my strong belief in having choices. Both in my personal and professional life, I value having and giving people choices instead of imposing the solution we think is best.
When certain standards and expectations are assigned to us, it’s in our best interest to evaluate whether or not we can live with those standards and under those expectations. In many cases, we take them on because we think we can make it work, at least for a while, usually to be disappointed in the end. But when we don’t have a choice – for example, if we take a job because it’s the only one available and we have to put food on the table – we need to make decisions about how we will live out our values inside and outside of our work, what compromises we can make to sustain the situation, and what is non-negotiable. In such times, it’s important to engage in self-care as much as possible and keep looking for better conditions once they become available. Hopefully this is a short-lived situation, but almost no one is exempt from it once in a while whether for financial, health, family, or other reasons. I remember one time years ago having a conversation with a coworker who told me that she didn’t feel heard so she stopped suggesting ideas and gave up. While I empathize with that feeling and have been there myself, I wonder to what extent giving up in that way robs us of something we hold dear within us. Author Edith Eger wrote in her harrowing account about being in Auschwitz (The Choice: Embrace the Possible, 2017) that “We don’t know where we’re going, we don’t know what’s going to happen, but no one can take away from you what you put in your own mind.” To me, this quote is a profound reflection of our perseverant human spirit and a celebration of our capacity to love, to believe, and to build something despite adversity.
As of late, I started asking myself this question routinely: “Am I living up to my potential?” and the answer, while never straightforward, helps me think about the skills I want to use more, share, and grow. Ultimately, I want to decide which rooms I want to be in, under which standards, and the types of conversations I want to have in those settings. And I want to do so with authenticity, without fear of being cataloged as too much of this or too little of that. I just want to be in places where I have the choice to live out my values and standards, full stop. As for you… Do you know the standards you want to live by? Are you living up to your potential? And, What are you going to do about it?
